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Thursday, June 08, 2006
Current mood: annoyed

[this post includes replies that were added on MySpace]

Someone called me “sweetheart” today and it reminded me once again of a pet peeve.

Over the years I’ve occasionally run into men who will call me honey, darling, sweetheart, babe, stuff like that… all sorts of nicknames that I expect from a boyfriend or husband, but not from a male acquaintance or a stranger.

One guy did it for a long time — someone who was renting the studio every month — and I tolerated it because I needed the money and didn’t want to make waves, even though being talked to like a bedmate made me squirmingly uncomfortable. Finally he called me an endearment in front of my boyfriend, and it was time to say something.

Whenever I say that men shouldn’t do this, they always think I’m overreacting. They say it doesn’t mean anything and it’s not meant to be sexist or territorial or demeaning etc.

But here’s what I think of it. I have never, ever seen any of these guys call some other guy they just met “sweetheart”. That means the namecalling is gender based — it’s sexist. If they’re not my boyfriend or my husband, I don’t think it’s appropriate for them to be addressing me with a sexual/gender pet name. I’m not their pet.

How would one of these guys feel if some man had just met them and started calling them Sweetie? Wouldn’t they feel a little uncomfortable? Yes? Then how come I’m supposed to feel perfectly comfortable with it? I’m no more interested in being their Sweetie, than they want to be the Sweetie of some guy they’ve just met…

I’d like to hear from other women about this.

2:02 PM - 10 Comments - 5 Kudos

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cyber_tease

I’ve known men who would react aggressively, perhaps violently, to being called “sweetie” or “darling” by another man. Because they would interpret it as a form of unwelcome sexual overture, and an inference of their sexuality. Yeah, you could say they find it uncomfortable and offensive, emasculating even.

In my opinion, the men who indulge in calling a woman acquaintence by sexual/gender pet names do so from the assumption that women like to be addressed this way because they need to feel “petted” and/or need male approval. Also, in addressing them with a generic/pet name rather than their given name they are removing the woman’s identity and individuality. It’s an attempt to disarm and establish authority over the woman.

My personal view is that it’s discourteous and disrespective to assume such familiarity with anyone with whom you don’t have a close affectionate bond regardless of gender.

Posted by cyber_tease on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 4:26 PM

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Lorelei

That’s interesting what you added about removing a woman’s identity with the namecalling. It suddenly dawned on me that in some cases, there may be men who can’t remember my odd name, or can’t remember how to pronounce it. LOL!

Posted by Lorelei on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 6:15 PM

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Jungle Man

Note to self: If I ever meet Darla at a con, don’t call her sweetie…

I am one of those people that use these terms, it’s something that I think I picked up from my Grandfather who always used it around strangers, and this is honestly the first time I have EVER heard anyone complain about it. I can easily see that there are people who would misuse it in a condescending, greasy vile way as a means of objectifying you, but I think you both are reading waaay too much into it when it comes to how it is used by most people. Would you be as upset about it if it came from a woman? Because odds are it would have the exact same intent behind it: a simple term of friendship.

I am not trying to say that you are wrong in thinking like this, we all have our little quirks and things that get to us, just try and think about the fact that most of the people who use these terms are not trying to attach a negative vibe to it. They simply want to make a positive verbal connection somehow and they try to do so in this way.

Posted by Jungle Man on Friday, June 09, 2006 at 1:12 PM

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Lorelei

Hmm… You ask if I would be upset if a woman who didn’t know me well, started calling me pet names. You’re changing the question. If someone who is a head taller than you — maybe even two heads taller than you — and about 80-100 pounds heavier than you, calls you a pet name without having asked if it’s okay… do you feel absolutely comfortable asking them why they’ve decided to do that instead of using your name? Because that’s the situation that men put women into. Men should be aware that they can automatically intimidate women who don’t know them very well — simply because they’re larger, heavier, and have an unknown disposition at that point.

If a woman calls me a weird name, I’m not so nervous about saying something.

Posted by Lorelei on Friday, June 09, 2006 at 5:05 PM

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Richard

Hopefully, you won’t mind a guy commenting on this blog.

I’ve always considered those types of nicknames as often being mildly condescending in tone. It’s why I don’t use them. Haven’t you seen a lot of male domination videos where the guys are using terms like that? There isn’t any loving connotation to the term in those instances. Jay Edwards is always using “m’dear”, “darling”, and other pet phrases like that when he’s talking to a captive in his videos.

That’s not how it is all the time. Occasionally, you’ll see a guy using it in an affectionate, but not intimate fashion. Sometimes, there’s a cultural element to it. There was a period when Brits often used the phrase “darling” to both men and women in a nonsexual friendly fashion. For a while, it was a stereotyped gay exclamation.

I have a distaste for backslapping in the workplace environment. There is a real social pecking order to whom backslappers touch and it’s always somebody at their work level or below. When a coworker slaps somebody’s back, they’re saying they are in charge. It’s rarely done to a person above their social status. These pet phrases are sometimes wielded in a similar fashion. The person, using it, is sometimes being derogatory and designating their perceived status against another.

Have you ever had one of these terms of endearment used by somebody, other than a partner, where it didn’t bother you? I’m wondering if delivery, from certain people seems okay to you depending how they do it and what your relationship is to that person. For example, I’ve often seen you and Dorothy greeting each other as “chickie” and similar phrases. Maybe it’s okay in a girl-girl fashion. Has a guy said it in a fashion that didn’t get on your nerves? It would seem, to me, to be okay in certain situations where you know the person, understand how the person talks, and understands that there is no deliberate or unconscious agenda to the phrasing.

Context is important. Using those kinds of phrases with people that aren’t known is a dicey way to go. There is no known context in those situations and the wording could be insulting, familiar, intimate, or anything else. There is no way to readily determine the person’s intent.

A writer should have the sense not allow those types of ambiguous terms into their dialog. For the post, in question, it comes across as slightly insulting, particularly by a person using “shifty” as a username. Calling a woman, in her 40s, “sweetie” almost comes across as calling you childish. It’s as if the writer is mildly putting you down and will now provide you with adult advice because “sweetie” isn’t quite grown up enough to understand what he’s talking about. The rest of the post didn’t strike me as insulting or intentionally irritating, but the “sweetie” thing just doesn’t seem right in the post. It’s hard to determine whether or not the poster was trying to be denigrating. When terms of endearment are used in writing, you always have to question why they’re used at all. They take some small amount of finite time to enter and add nothing to the discussion. Their usage at all often seems to carry an intentional context to the petname and it’s usually not in a good fashion.

Although sweetie, babe, and honey aren’t usually used between guys, sweetheart occasionally has been used in old gangster movies. Other terms, such as dog, dude, and assorted curses are often used between guys. Those terms similarly mean different things based on tone and relationships.

Since these pet terms can be taken in a negative fashion, it’s best not to use them. Until the recipient has a clear understanding about the context of how and why the term is being used, it’s very easy to take them in a negative fashion.

Posted by Richard on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 9:45 PM

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Whiplash Studio.com

Again another guy to jump in here on this one.

I think to a degree it has something to do with where you live. Here in Texas, “sweetie, darlin’, honey” they’re all names I commonly use with complete strangers, and yeah mostly women, but in the same right, women tend to call men the exact same names here. It’s like part of our local dialect, not meant to offend or condescend to anyone. It’s really no different from “Howdy” or “Y’all”. And yeah, it’s something we only use with the opposite sex, but so are the terms “he” and “she”. Does that seem simplistic? Yeah, but that’s because it is. What kind of fascinates me about this topic is it shows just how different people live in this country. What is completely acceptable in one part of the country is not so much in another. It’s like being able to travel the country and not find a Taco Beuno somewhere (which I’m sure some of you have no idea of what that is).

Now to e fair, when someone does voice their dislike for these names, I apologize, explain to them no harm intended and respectful cease using such names. The last thing I want to do is put someone off and I think the right thing to do is respect someone’s wishes in how I address them, I mean I often ask people not to call me “Tom”. It’s just not a form of my name I’ve ever answered to and would prefer not to. Now what I do find to be humorous at this point is on the rare occasion someone does ask me not to refer to them in such a manner, it’s someone who’s a friend of a friend or someone I see more than once that has asked me, 9 times out of 10 they later tell me it’s ok because they feel weird I talk to everyone else in one way and them in another.

This is why I say you should stand your ground L. If you don’t care for any of these names, then continue to say so. There’s nothing wrong with that and by no means is it over reacting to simply ask someone to stop doing so. I would hope most people would respectfully honor your wish and refrain from doing so. I know I would find nothing wrong with such a request and only ask that you forgive me if I slip up once or twice, its habit for me.

Posted by Whiplash Studio.com on Friday, June 09, 2006 at 9:05 AM

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Crystal’s in Love!

i agree with cyber tease.

on a side note, though, i work in the medical field, and know that I have called both sexes “sweetie” or “honey” at one point or another. And it is more of my way of being nice to the patient, and letting them know it will be OK, in my own weird way. There is no sexism behind my Terms Of Endearment, but with men, it is absolutely gender-based. i have never seen any man call another man sweetie or honey. It does shed a different light on it when thought of it in terms of men stripping away our identities by doing it. Definitely food for thought.

Posted by Crystal’s in Love! on Saturday, June 10, 2006 at 9:25 AM

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Wes

POWER TO YOU

well im not a woman and you have no idea who i am but if a guy refers to you with an endearment such as hunny or sweetie regardless of who he is you shouldnt be concerned about making waves just be and say what you feel if it makes you uncomfortable you shouldnt put up with it just because you need money there will always be someone else ready to take up where the last left off. but this is coming from someone who lives across the country from you and cant guarantee that anything of what i said can or cannot turn against you. The key is CONFIDENCE. NO ONE will oppose refering to someone by thier actual name if you are confident about asking them not to call you ‘hunny’ i hope that i could help for future confrontations. -DaemonKlo

Posted by Wes on Friday, July 07, 2006 at 10:53 PM