Category Archive

Friday, October 06, 2006
Current mood: sad

[this entry includes comments that were received on MySpace]

Each night I have a dream where my dog Alex is in danger or in an accident. One night I dreamt I was at an intersection with Buddy & Indie, but Alex was across the street on another curb, in danger of being run over. I left the 2 dogs and ran across to get Alex. When I got there, all that was left was her walkies bag.

Last night I dreamt that I was in an industrial building with the 3 dogs. Indie was playing with a ball and she bounced it down an open elevator shaft. The two shorthairs knew not to follow but to my horror Alex leapt down the shaft. I could hear her cries and knew she was probably utterly broken and dying. I leaped down the shaft to try to find her.

When I’m having these dreams I believe she’s still alive, then I wake up all freaked out and realize she’s not in danger, she’s already died.

Over the past few days, at the conscious level, I’ve felt worst about Buddy, because he only made it one year with us. He deserved longer. And we thought we would get to have more time with him.

At the subconscious level, though, I guess I miss Alex in a more critical way.

For 8 years Alex was always in the room with me. I took her to work, I took her home, she was always right there in the same room with me. She was as everpresent as my own hands. I just feel so strange to not have her here. It’s like a piece of me is missing.

I’m trying to focus my attention on poor Indie and give her love. After all, she’s traumatized and doesn’t know where her dog friends went. But she’s not Alex so it’s just not the same.

8:52 AM - 7 Comments

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John

I feel for you. You probably feel deep down inside that you hadn’t done enough for Buddy or Alex but I am sure everyone agrees you did all you could and gave both of them a happier and longer life than they probably were going to anywhere else.

You are probably still in the greiveing period but who knows maybe Alex and Buddy are trying to tell you to let them go and get some new friends for Indie.

Remember you did all you could and more for them and even though some people wouldn’t understand all of us animal lovers do and think that Alex and Buddy thanked you in their own special ways for all you did for them.

Posted by John on Friday, October 06, 2006 at 9:50 PM

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Rob

Sweety, i wish there were words to convey how sorry i am for your loss, but there never will are. I’m an animal person, i’ve had just about every pet available and some that aren’t, around at one point or another, but when you bond with one and lose him, it’s like losing a limb, the phantom limb syndrome. You feel it, but it’s not there.

Right now your mind is just showing you how you feel deep down, like you didn’t do enough or you couldn’t do enough, but you know what, you did. You need to remember that, and share your love with Indie, who needs you now. No, it’s not the same, it’ll never be the same, but it might be just as good given time. Always remember you loved Alex and Alex loved you, and you shared a special bond that’s irreplacable. Eventually the hurt and feelings of guilt will lessen, but it’s going to take time. Know that there are people out here who care and who you can vent to when things get rough, i’m one of them. Be well.

R.D.

Posted by Rob on Saturday, October 07, 2006 at 5:00 AM

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Duct Tape Messiah

:((

Posted by Duct Tape Messiah on Saturday, October 07, 2006 at 5:44 AM

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MasterKajira

He may have had “only” one year, but it was a year where he very likely was happier than he had been his entire life. It made all the previous years of suffering and unhappiness fade into less significance.

It was a good thing you did for Buddy. I’m a believer that the happiness you bring in such a fashion will be returned to you tenfold.

Posted by MasterKajira on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 at 1:42 PM

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Mark K. Hollinger Photography®

When one loses someone special it’s like losing a limb you have phantom pains. I just is a reflection of the human soul to love.

Posted by Mark K. Hollinger Photography® on Friday, October 13, 2006 at 2:43 AM

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Current mood: sad

[this entry includes replies that were received on MySpace]

http://www.lilaclane.com/buddy/index.html

11:10 PM - 10 Comments

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Duct Tape Messiah

Oh Puppy Sorry to hear this, Buddy looks like a real sweetheart

Posted by Duct Tape Messiah on Wednesday, September 27, 2006 at 11:31 PM

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Jake kicker of ass

I’m very sorry to hear that you lost two of your darling pups with in this close time frame. We (my family and I) had to put down Ellwood our chocalate lab down on Monday I’m still going in and out of bawling my eyes out. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I found strength in my friends, and I sure where ever the pups are not are doing what they loved to do. At the moment I just can’t deal with him being away from me. I do hope you feel better, and I send my deepest sympathies

Posted by Jake kicker of ass on Wednesday, September 27, 2006 at 11:54 PM

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Danny Boy

He looks like such a sweet doggy. I’m so sorry for you.

Posted by Danny Boy on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 12:35 AM

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Anthony

I am very sorry for your loss
Our pets are a part of our family and I am so sorry to hear this news.

Posted by Anthony on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 5:46 AM

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Richard

You gave Buddy a year of love he would never have had if you hadn’t found him. Based on the condition you found him in, you also gave him a year of life he otherwise would never have had.

Posted by Richard on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 6:11 AM

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Charlzm

I’m very sorry to hear about both your doggies’ deaths. That, compounded with the banking dilemma you currently face for your websites, surely puts this in the category of “the times that try men’s souls.”

My thoughts are with you.

Posted by Charlzm on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 9:00 AM

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Friday, September 22, 2006
Current mood: sad

[this entry includes comments that were received via MySpace]

http://www.boundandgagged.net/alex/index.html

11:22 PM - 9 Comments

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Duct Tape Messiah

Puppy…..

“Though lovers be lost, love shall not and death shall have no dominion.” -Dylan Thomas

Big Hugs,

DTM

Posted by Duct Tape Messiah on Saturday, September 23, 2006 at 2:41 AM

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Richard

I like that you deal with death by remembering the cherished moments of life in your photos.

Alex was a wonderful little dog.

Posted by Richard on Saturday, September 23, 2006 at 8:35 AM

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ROBOTHIPSTER

I am sorry for your loss. ~Mark

Posted by ROBOTHIPSTER on Saturday, September 23, 2006 at 11:32 AM

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John

I’m sorry to hear that Alex is no longer with you. I’m cetain that before he went to rainbow bridge (a place that we have for remembering lost pets in a rescue group I’m in) he had a happy life and was lucky to have someone so loving as you. He will always be the happy dog though as long as you can keep close to your heart.

Alex was very lucky pup to have you Lorlei

Posted by John on Sunday, September 24, 2006 at 2:42 AM

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James

It’s amazing what we go through to save our pets. But no matter how hard we try no matter how broke we get sometimes it seems like it’s never enough. But at least you knew it was not a everlasting relationship. My cat Fuz, you can see pictures of the cutie on my page under my photos, was the most intelligent cat on the planet, though some people would probably go “yeah right” but she was, it was just a matter of time before she figured out how to get my mothers dog in such a position to commit dog-icide on him. She was planning the “accident” out so it would have seemed. I didn’t get the chance to see her in her last months, which hurts more. I’m just glad that any suffering your pet had is now over.

Posted by James on Monday, September 25, 2006 at 2:20 AM

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Pete Puma

You are in my thoughts and have my deepest sympathy during this very sad time.

Posted by Pete Puma on Monday, September 25, 2006 at 9:58 AM

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Thursday, September 21, 2006
Current mood: sad

A bummer day. Haven’t heard back about my merchant application. But sadder…

Alex had two scary seizures early this morning and I spent the day at the vet’s with her. It turns out her bladder cancer has metastasized and it’s now in her brain. I’d been warned that bladder cancer is ‘messy’ and tends to go all over, but I thought it would go to nearby organs. I hadn’t understood that it gets into the bloodstream and lymph system and can go anywhere next. Wish it hadn’t been the brain.

Worse than that, we got blood tests back for Buddy today… he’s been really up and down lately… and it turns out he has liver failure and will only be with us a short, sad while longer. I wish we could’ve had Buddy in our lives much longer than this, but at least for a few months back there, he was feeling good enough to do the “Buddy Dance” for us. I hope these final days won’t be too terrible for him.

Saturday, July 15, 2006
Current mood: miserable

I don’t want to be the crazy bitch who forces medicine into my dog for the final months of her life. I want to be the lady who sits with her and pets her and comforts her.

Instead, at the moment, Alex views me as that asshole who keeps putting weird crap in her mouth and in her food.

Every 4-6 hours there’s something or other on the schedule that forces me to act like an idiot in her eyes… some days she won’t eat so I have to crush the pills, mix them with honey and smush the honey on her gums and tongue so she can’t spit out or avoid her medicine. We also have little tubes of liquid painkiller to squirt it on her tongue. She’s quite annoyed with us. We’re not even overdoing it; the vet discontinued most of her meds and pared us down to only the most essential, so as not to harass her any more than necessary.

She’s not “near the end” — the reason she avoids food is she now has an ulcer from all those years that she was on meds back when she had leukemia.

Lately she’s vomiting blood so all we can do is keep getting painkillers and antibiotics into her. Then last night she really wanted to eat, but the vet said I couldn’t feed her yet. Alex got really frustrated with me and threw a tantrum of sorts. She must think I’m a complete dimwit to “forget” to feed her 2 meals in a row.

4 am we get up and give her two medicines to coat her stomach, so that we can try feeding her at 6 am. 5 am I’m still awake and so is she, so I figure, Hey here’s a moment where I can sit and pet her and be her friend instead of doing something she hates. I go over to her to be with her, and she sees me coming and gets up and wobbles away to go hide from me.

So now she doesn’t want me to come near her because she feels like I’m just bad news.

It sucks being this kind of “mom”. On the other hand, if I stop giving her the painkiller she’ll have terrible stomach aches. If I stop giving her the stomach coating, or ignore the vet instructions in how/when/what to feed her, she’ll go into another horrific phase of vomiting blood. If I stop giving her the antibiotics she’ll die of a massive infection of the bladder & urethra. So I have to keep being the “crazy bitch” in her life.

But this isn’t the relationship I want to have with her for her final months. She doesn’t want to be with me. I miss having her regard me as a friend. I want to cuddle her.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Current mood: down

I’m going through another of those time periods where I’m a little bit depressed, can’t concentrate, don’t get a lot of work done, and spend as much time as possible hiding out.

It started out with learning that doggie Alex has bladder cancer and probably won’t be with me by Christmas, but it seems to have become a more general topic of dealing with death, since my father died last June and it’s on my mind more and more. Last Father’s Day, my whole family was at Hospice, where my father lay loopy on morphine, rigid in final stage Parkinson’s, unable to communicate with us. It was a strange Father’s Day. We spent the whole day in Dad’s room, taking turns talking to him (I don’t think he could hear us), while my little niece played cards, my sister’s boyfriend watched sports on TV, and we tried to somehow make it a family day. Anyway, because Father’s Day is coming up, I keep hearing about it on the radio, on TV, seeing ads in the newspaper, over and over again and every time I think of Father’s Day, the visual memory comes back up in my mind. I also keep returning to the frustration I had with that Hospice; the staff there gave me a lot of resistance about pain relief for my father. He was there for two weeks and they didn’t really get him comfortable until the final 2-3 days. It’s odd, but in some ways dealing with actual death is easy compared to dealing with a loved one lying around in pain minute by minute, or day after day. Well, now I’m just rambling.

So, what I’ve been doing is the usual when I’m down, which is, I struggle to get work done, and then at night I hide in chatrooms (the current one being SecondLife).

Oh, and I heard from the IRS — they say my ex-accountant never filed my 2001 business return. I know that sounds really strange but you wouldn’t believe what kind of weird, weird crap went on for a few years with my last accountant — plus the IRS typo’d my address so for who-knows-how-long the IRS mail has been going to the wrong place… Anyway, my current accountant had cleaned everything up last year (bless him) and he had phoned the IRS a few times to ask about the 2001, and the IRS kept telling him “we don’t see a problem” — well, now they do, and the IRS wants me to phone with results on Monday, but turns out my accountant is on vacation until the 15th. His fax isn’t working and he doesn’t seem to have gotten my messages yet. I guess all I can do is phone the IRS and beg them to wait until my accountant comes back and can help me with this additional cleanup.

Things I think about right now to cheer myself up… last year around 4th of July is when we found Buddy Bear in the street and he became a part of our lives, so that’s a nice anniversary coming. Also, I got a phone message from my sister and she got a 90-something on her exam and just received her state certificate for her new career path. She’s had such a hard life, she so deserves to finally have things go in a positive direction. I’m so happy for her right now.

Monday, June 05, 2006

As some folks know, about 5 years ago my doggie Alex got leukemia. She beat the odds amazingly and went into remission and a year ago went off treatment completely. I was very lucky to get to have her so much longer than expected. She’s meant a lot to me; Alex saved my sanity during the time that my niece was missing by keeping my mind occupied — helping to interrupt racing thoughts about the terrible things that were happening to my niece. Alex was essential to my coming out of that time period with my head intact. Cute pics of our times together at: http://www.lilaclane.com/americaneskimo/alex/

Unfortunately luck has run a little dry because now Alex just got diagnosed with bladder cancer. I’m hoping with good treatment she can hang in for another 6 months or so.

Money is tight and I want to put it toward necessities including Alex’s treatment. So we won’t be going to FetishCon this year after all. I apologize profusely because I’ve been stating on my site for months that we definitely would be there. Sorry for misinforming anybody.

This news has made me a little depressed, so to not think about it I’ve been hiding in Second Life for the past week or so. Built a bondage ranch there with some ponygirl friends. A good distraction.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Current mood: nostalgic

Do any of you remember the “dog intelligence test” of years ago?

You would give a piece of gum to your dog. If they chewed and swallowed it, or just swallowed it without chewing… dumb dog. If they chewed and chewed and finally spit it out… intuitively knowing that something that can’t be chewed to nothingness… smart dog.

When I was a little kid we tried it on our dogs. Our mamma dog, Mogi, chewed the gum for a while and finally dropped it on the floor. The daughter dog, Panda Bear, was an adult but dumb anyway. She swallowed the gum.

Dogs react differently to all kinds of foods. Today I found a box of popsicles in the freezer. I decided to reconnect with my childhood and have one. All 3 dogs clustered around my feet to see what I was eating. I took out a second popsicle and offered them each a lick.

The pit bull sniffed it and refused to touch it.

The chihuahua sniffed it, tentatively teethed it, then decided only to lick it.

The american eskimo sniffed it, licked it, and then bit off a chunk and ate it.

I continued to offer it to each of them in turn until it was all gone. Even though the pit bull could see that the other two dogs were enjoying the popsicle, he never did touch the thing during his turns. His true love is liver. Yuck!